Immediately after being taken out of the ambulance I was pushed on a cart through the hospital to the emergency room. I kept asking the doctor where my other band mates were and if they were alright. He said I would be informed on all that information after my surgery. After they had recorded all my vitals they put me to sleep, and everything went black.
I woke to the smell of greasy bacon and fried eggs; the dream fresh and still lingering in my mind. My stomach, growling for the food, could not wait to consume this fantastic breakfast. Magdelene fixed me a plate and brought it to me with a cold glass of orange juice. I loved spending the night at Magdelene’s place. She always hooked me up with a great breakfast. Although Magdelene had to leave, she told me I could stay until I felt like going. About fifteen minutes after she left, the fire alarm went off. The loud, annoying sirens buzzed in my ears. I heard scared scampering feet outside the door but I stayed seated. Ever since my accident I had contemplated suicide. I had never been strong enough to do it by my own hand, but being caught in a burning building would be a great excuse. I just sat in the chair, hallways empty, eyes open; waiting to be engulfed by the flames, but the light never came, just darkness.
1. It's interesting that Baby is a drinker, particularly since that's what caused his accident...it's an interesting conflict.
ReplyDelete2. I think the dream then action sequence is losing its effectiveness because it's used each time. Maybe stagger them, do a post without any dreams, the next with? It's just a little monotonous.
3. I think this character has a lot of opportunity/potential for internal conflict, intense internal regret.
1- I dont' know if you meant to do this, but I love how you comment on the color of objects even though Baby Blue cannot know the color. this paradox for me enriches what your writing has to give.
ReplyDelete2- I agree with the previous comment about the need to differentiate the dreams and the narration. I will add that as a blind person you have the opportunity to play with really overkill imagery, because that is the gift of blindness. So when Baby interacts you should have her characterize voices, noises, in order to maybe remind her of her past. In this way you would be able to avoid as the previous person said the "monotony" of the dreams. FYI Your memory is most closely tied to your sense of smell.
3-That is just to perfect your connection with Jacen, I think that relationship may be one worth continuing.
1. i think the back story is very intriguing and also how the character hasn't learned much from it. i agree with the first comment and the conflict of the drinking
ReplyDelete2. i think you're giving away too much about the character, telling too much and not showing quite enough
3. i think the brief comment about jacen was interesting, but i think you should develop that more and maybe more about the relationship with the manager of the jaguar